Attack Of The Mary Sue
by Natas
Summary: Merf! I'm NO good at these, so just read the title. R&R s'il vous plait.
1. Attack Of The Mary Sue

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Attack Of The Mary Sues

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Author: Natas (WEE! I'm BACK!)

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Disclaimer: UGH! Me non-original idea making writer! UGH! Marvel and all others create nice people you see! UGH! Me go try and make wheel or fire now!

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Summary: That's for me to... um... yeah! And you to find out!

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Authors Note: WOO HOO! I'm BACK! Not sick, but it's raining, and rain does WEIRD things to me! YIPEE!

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More Notes: RIGHTS FOR SCOTT!

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"Hi, I'm Mary. I'm here for the recruitment?" The perfect, beautiful, and well mannered woman whom stood in front of the stunned X-Men.

"Um - er - uh, I'm sorry," Professor Charles Xavier stuttered, "but recruitments just ended, and we aren't inter-"

Gambit, also known as Remy butted in and exclaimed, "What he means is dat we'd be 'APPY to let you in, ma chere!"

"Oh! Why thank ya kindly!" Mary exclaimed.

"HEY! SHE STOLE MY ACCENT!" Marie squeaked.

"Ya didn't even do a good job of it ANYWAYS!" The real, and much better, Rogue yelled. This erupted into a cat fight where the real Rogue obviously wins.

"Reow! Cat fight!" Logan said, stating the obvious.

"Let me show you to your room Miss... um... what is your last name?" The Professor asked.

"Sue. Mary Sue." She said. This didn't help everyone's fears.

In the mansion, Mary helped Hank create a pill that would give Logan his memory back. Once Logan remembered his past, he ran into Scott's room and explained who his real father was. This caused Scott to jump out of a window, but he was saved by Warren. Warren pulled a muscle as he caught Scott. And Mary helped Beast create a pill to help with that.

"Wow Mary! You're such a good help!" Beast exclaimed.

"Why thank ya!" She replied.

~Mary! You are needed in my office!~ The Professor shouted telepathically.

~Right away!~ She answered back, telepathically.

On the way to the office, Mary helped the real Rogue discover that she could actually touch people, which made everything else in her life irrelevant. Rogue took advantage of this and beat the living snot out of the movieverse her, Marie. Marie complained to Logan who wasn't movieverse. Logan didn't care and stabbed her through the chest. Marie touched Logan and healed herself. Logan passed out but woke up a second later because I like him so much. Logan again stabbed Marie, but this time in the head making her die. But to keep the plot going, Mary helped Marie recover and went to the Professor's office with time to spare.

Just as Mary was about to enter the Professor's office, I (Natas, the author. You remember me, right?) yelped, "AH! MY CAT IS IN MY LAP! GET IT OFF! GGEETT IITT OOFFFF!!!!!"

"OH! A cute little kitten!" Mary said as she went to pick my cat up. But before she could, she sneezed.

"Wow, what's wrong with you?" I asked.

"Ah don't *AH CHOO* know? *AH CHOO*" She said as her eyes started to water and her nose turned red.

"Mary! Get away from that cat!" The Professor screamed as he walked out of his office.

"Aren't you supposed to NOT be able to walk?" I asked.

"Aren't _YOU_ supposed to be back home?" He answered back, suddenly back in his wheel chair.

"What?"

"*AH CHOO!*" Mary interrupted.

"Mary! You have allergies! You must stay away from all things with fur!" The Professor exclaimed again.

"But I was just with Hank!"

"But he's alright. You must stay away from anything that showers in it's own saliva!"

Just then, hank walked by licking he arm and using his arm to scrub behind his ears.

"*AH CHOO*"

"Come with me in my office right away!" The Professor said as he led Mary into his office by the hand. As she walked in, the sneezing stopped.

"Wow, that feels good." She said.

"Yes, anyways... We need to talk."

"Don't ya mean 'we need to speak'?"

"Yes, anyways..."

"Right-O!"

"What happened with your accent?"

"Mary t'ink you a' jus' jealous!" She said in a Cajun accent.

"We must speak of your gifts!" The Professor yelled.

"A'ight."

"Merf!"

"Dizzle."

"AH!"

"Now what were speaking of?" Mary asked.

"We must speak of your powers!" The Professor said, visibly tired.

"Right-O! Let me see." She started counting on her fingers. "I'm telepathic, telekinetic, I have adamantium claws, I can control the weather,"

Seven hours, 52 minutes, 26 second, seventeen cups of coffee, 800 aspirin, and many naps later.

"I can make ice cream out of thin air, and I can make the BEST danged cookies ANYONE'S ever ate!"

"*SNORK* What? Are you done yet?" The Professor asked, just waking up from a nap.

"Yes."

"Alright, you're in. Just don't list off all things you can do anymore, okay?"

"Not a problem."

"Now, if we can continue on with our interview." The Professor said.

"What would that be?"

"We must know your past."

Mary's eye's narrowed and the room grew dark, excluding the area directly around her which mysteriously grew brighter.

~To Be Continued~

(WOO HOO! I'M BACK!)

(I'm so happy.)

(The ending to the last series just left everything open.)

(Read and Review!)

(PS: **RIGHTS FOR SCOTT!**)


	2. Attack Of The Mary Sue 2: The Usual Unha...

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Attack Of The Mary Sue 2: The Usual Unhappy Life

Author: Natas

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Summary: Doobie doobie doo... WATCH OUT FOR THE PENGUIN! I mean, merf.

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Disclaimer: The Mary Sue belongs to Satan. X-Men belongs to Satan (AKA Marvel). Everyone else belongs to Satan (or whatever company owns them, but since Satan owns them all...)

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Authors Notes: Tee hee, karots! I LOVE being able to write stupid stuff!

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More Notes: It just wastes space.

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Thirds a charm: RIGHTS FOR SCOTT!

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Mary's eye's narrowed and the room grew dark, excluding the area directly around her which mysteriously grew brighter.

"Who's playing with the lights again?!" The Professor yelled.

"It all started when I was a child." Mary started.

"I asked something!" The Professor said again, ignoring Mary.

"As a child, I had a very abusive family. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was Sabretooth." She continued.

"Damn it! I need to WORK here!" The Professor said as he scoped out the circuit breakers.

"After Logan, my step brother whom I was in love with at the time, left to join the military, I followed him. I got lost and the leprechauns helped me. They took me to their cookie making factory where I discovered I was a mutant."

"Alright, I'm PISSED!" The Professor screamed as he came back into the room.

"But because I didn't make the kind of cookies they did, they banished me from their hallowed out tree. That's when I met Kurt Wagner. His monastery helped me out."

"Do you know where I can circuit breakers?" The Professor asked me (he he he, I'm back!)

"Shut up and listen to Mary's lame story! At least feign interest!" I yelled at him.

"But after his monastery was destroyed, I had to leave. That's when I turned sixteen." Mary continued, not even noticing that no one was listening. "That's when I discovered I was a Mary Sue. I developed faster then anyone I ever met before. My voice was perfect. Even my farts smelled good! It was horrible!" Mary started to cry.

"There, there, Mary." The Professor comforted her.

"My name's not Mary! It's BERTHA!" She screamed.

"Do you want to continue with the story?" I asked. The Professor silently waved his hands and mouthed 'NO' frantically.

"Yes." She replied.

"DAMN IT!"

"What's wrong with him?"

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! HA HA HA! LOOK! A BIRDY!" The Professor screamed as he jumped out of the window.

From outside, Warren said "What is this? Catch the X-Men day?"

Suddenly, the real Rogue could be heard. "THAT'S MAH LINE!"

"What are you talkin' about?"

"Ah said it in the cartoon!"

"You mean the one where you're a teenager?"

"Someone call meh?" Another voice could be heard, sounding much like a southern accent.

"Not you! GET OUT OF HERE YOU FREAK!"

"HEY! Don't yell at her!" I yelled from the window.

"Shut up you!"

"Yes Ma'am."

There was sounds of fighting, rustling, and zooming around. All the while the Professor screamed "LOOK! I'M A BIRDY TOO!"

Suddenly, Logan burst into the room. "Mary! I'm callin' ya out!"

Mary turned and stared at him, then finally said, "When?"

"Now! Danger room!"

"See ya in a sec, hon!"

"Don't call me that!"

"*AH CHOO*"

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's got allergies. Is Beast around?"

"I'm right here!" He said, sticking his head in through the door.

"*AH CHOO*"

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's got allergies, didn't I just say that?" I sighed.

"*AH CHOO*"

"Where'd Beast go?" Logan asked.

"No one knows..." I said in a mysterious voice.

"*AH CHOO*"

"You can stop that now Mary."

"Oh, sorry."

"YOU! NOW! DANGER ROOM!" Logan shouted again.

"Ya know, mes amis, Remy t'ink he need a shower." Gambit said as he walked into the office with nothing but a towel on.

Outside, a horde of girls could be heard shouting and whooping.

"Where'd they come from? Isn't there security here?"

"YOU! NOW! DANGER ROOM!"

"I'M A BIRDY!!"

"GET BACK HERE YOU SISSY!"

"TWEET TWEET!"

"YOU! NOW! DANGER ROOM!"

"*AH CHOO*"

"Oh, dis shower feel so good on Remy's naked body."

Silence.

"What? It does?"

"Wait, where's dat comin' from? Remy right 'ere!"

"No, I'm right here."

"No, I'm right here."

*BZAAAP*

"SCOTT! YOU KILLED ONE OF THEM!"

"What? We only need one. The other one's just outside."

"But his towel's right here."

Outside screams of terror from one man, and thousands of screams of delight from girls and women were heard.

"YOU! NO-"

"WE GET THE POINT!"

Suddenly there was a blast of wind.

"Whoop, there go Remy's towel."

Everyone heard an evil snicker which sounded a lot like Storm.

"Wow, no wonder everyone likes him." Logan said as he turned his head sideways.

"REMY! HOW COULD YOU!"

"Who said that?"

Silence.

"Right..."

"Wow, this is hard to follow." I finally realized.

"Ya think?"

"No, that's my problem."

"YOU! NOW! DANGER ROOM!"

"DAMN IT! WE GET IT!"

~To Be Continued~

(That was odd)

(Tee hee, karots)

(I'll take suggestions for the next fic or two)

(Read and review, s'il vous plait)

(PS: RIGHTS FOR SCOTT!)


	3. Attack Of The Mary Sue 3: Shoulders or F...

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Attack Of The Mary Sue 3: Shoulders or Feet

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Author: Natas, duh!

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Disclaimer: If I had a wish to wish, it'd be to own the X-Men. But, I'll take this instead. X-Men belongs to Marvel (Dear Santa...) and anyone else ye see, or any product which sounds familiar, it's probably not mine. Get it? (Got it!) Good... :)

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Summary: The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! REALLY! LOOK!!! (*runs and hides*) Wait, never mind... It's just an elephant controlling my mind again, what's left at least.

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Notes: Rights for Scott! (Okay, I know I'm a hypocrite, but whatever.)

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"YOU! NOW! DANGER ROOM!" Logan shouted as he pointed to Mary.

"Didn't I tell you already? We're repainting it." She answered, making cookies appear out of her... um... yyeeaahh...

"What?"

"Yeah, it was an ugly silver color. We're painting it a bright pink!"

"Pink, eh?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Can I have a cookie?"

"Sure."

Logan grabs a cookie, not noticing the place it came from.

"Yum! That's a good chocolate chip cookie!"

"It's macadamia nut."

"Yum!"

"You like?"

"Pink, eh?"

"Yeah..."

"MAUDE, eh?"

"Huh?"

"What? AH! Did I say that out loud?"

"Yes."

"I better be careful what I think, or else she might find out my secret of stalking her and sniffin' her underwear."

"What!? That's you?"

"YOU! NOW! DANGER ROOM!"

"Fine!"

On the way to the danger room, Mary helped find a cure for cancer which saved hundreds of lives. This angered Apocalypse and he tried to destroy the mansion. But Mary helped fund his counseling so that he could finally stop trying to kill everyone. The psychiatrist discovered that he was Apocalypse's father. Apocalypse was happy forevermore. This brought happiness around the world, which meant more cookies. To keep up with the supply, the cookie prices went up. Mary started her own business called "Mama Muties Cookies". She helped end world hunger by making such cheap and affordable cookies. But because her cookies tasted so good, Apocalypse got fat and started to get sad. When he got sad, he got mad. And when HE GETS MAD! HE GETS COOKIES!!! And he helped sustain Mary's cookie business forever. So she sold her company and went back to what she was supposed to do with five minutes to train.

"YOU! NOW! DANGER ROOM!" Logan shouted.

"I've been waiting here for about five minutes!" Mary shouted.

"I know, but I have to get SOMETHING in to shut up that stupid author!"

Everyone looked evilly at the guy sitting innocently at his computer, drinking a Pepsi, eating a Mama Muties Cookie, and listening to Smashing Pumpkins.

"YOU! NOW! DANGER ROOM!"

"SHUT UP!"

"*EEP* Sorry."

"Let's get it on!"

"Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage." Billy Corgan (is that how ye spell his name?) sang over the loud speakers.

"Rat in a cage?"

"Yeah."

"Sounds like 'ready to cage'."

"I said, 'LETS GET IT ON!'!"

"Oh, sorry."

And with that, Mary and Logan both went at it.

Mary was the first to attack. She unsheathed her adamantium claws and jumped on Logan's shoulders. But Logan was quick on his... well can't say feet... okay, on his shoulders - wait, that makes no sense... AH! AAAHHHHH!!!!

"What's with all those flamin' words?" Logan asked as he poured Mary more tea.

"No one knows. But they're supposed to dictate us on what we're supposed to do." She answered back, taking two lumps, not one.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"That's weird."

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SHOULDERS OR FEET!?!?!?!?! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Should we help the guy?"

"No, let's just point and laugh."

Mary and Logan both pointed and laughed simultaneously.

"There is goes again...!"

"That's starting to scare me!"

Suddenly, Godzilla attacked the bay and he X-Men were called into action.

"He's shot for ideas, huh?"

But being that I'm 'shot for ideas' everyone decided to play BINGO instead.

"B-3!"

"BINGO!"

"Let me see."

"Alright." Logan walked up to Mary and showed her his card.

"How DARE you win!!"

"What?"

Before Logan got an answer, Mary jumped on his... um... fine, shoulders and scratches his head. But Logan was to quick for her and threw her off his shoulders. Catching Mary off guard, Logan had the advantage. He quickly stood over her and unsheathed his claws.

"Bang, Mary." He stabbed her in the head, "Ye're dead."

"AH! YOU KILLED MARY!" A weirdly shaped thing shouted.

"YOU BASTARD!" Another said.

"Mrrmrmr rmrr phomemmrr mrr!" The third said.

"Screw you guys, I'm GOING home!"

They all walked off.

"What the...?"

Unbeknownst to Logan, Mary had an even faster rapid-healing factor. She healed up and threw Logan off of her. She rolled onto him, unsheathed her claw, and in the unoriginal fashion she's been identified with, said "Bang, Wolvie. Ye're dead."

Silence.

"Um, darlin'? Aren't ya supposed to, I don't know, do something?"

"I don't know what to do!"

"Kiss me."

"Okay."

And they both kissed.

Madly.

In front of young and impressionable children.

Four to be exact, and they all looked like cardboard cut outs.

But Logan and Mary ignored them because they were in love. And Mary only loved Logan...

And Scott...

And Kurt...

And Victor...

And Mortimer...

And Charles...

And Erik...

And Jean...

~To Be Continued~

(R&R s'il vous plait!)

(PS: RIGHTS FOR SCOTT!!!)


	4. Attach Of The Mary Sue 4: MERF!

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Attack Of The Mary Sue 4: Merf!

Author: N-A-T-A-S wow... I can spell! Hokt n fonix relli werked far mee!

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Disclaimer: Do I look rich to you? DO I LOOK LIKE I OWN ANYTHING! I CAN'T EVEN PAY ATTENTION (also known the bills)!

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Summary: This is THE last time I put one of these things when I don't have a plot!

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Authors Note: I LIKE THE FISHES 'CAUSE THEY'RE SO DELICIOUS!!

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More Notes: _RIGHTS FOR SCOTT!!_

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They keep coming and coming and coming...: When that camera's off, he's gonna F*(K that little dog!

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"Oh SCOTT!" Logan shouted as Mary let him come up for air.

"Huh?" Mary asked, puzzled.

"You didn't hear me, good."

"No, I heard you!" Mary imitated Logan's voice exactly, another of her many powers. "Oh SCOTT!"

"That doesn't even sound like me!"

"Did someone call me?" Scott asked as he walked into the room.

"Scott, darlin'! Take this foul creature away from me!"

"Hi-O!"

"Who said that?"

"Said what?"

"AH! LET GO OF MY HAIR!"

"Who said that?"

"*BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA*"

"Doctor Evil, I presume."

"Where's my potion?"

"I'm in love with you!"

"Deja vu."

"I SAID I'M IN LOVE WITH ALL OF YOU!"

"Deja vu."

"Deja who?"

"Deja you!"

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP!?!"

"*EEP* Sorry!"

"Who said that?"

"I told you all that I love you."

"Love who?" Everyone from the mansion asked in unison, imitating the children of the corn (eeee... creepy!)

"I love everyone!" Mary shouted, trying to get over all the talking.

"You mean like a Barney love, or a 60's free love kinda love?"

"Who asked that?"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT BLIND!"

"Actually, legally I'm blind. I can't drive without glasses."

"Someone take that person away."

A large group of people jumped on the unsuspecting "blind" guy and dragged him out.

"Onward?"

"HO!"

"When people speak, can you identify yourself from now on?" Mary asked.

"Hi, my name is Logan, and I'm an alcoholic." Logan said.

"HI LOGAN!" Everyone else said cheerfully.

"Now, Mary, what is wrong?" The Professor asked.

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" She shouted as she grabbed my EVIL kitty and rubbed it up against her body, causing EVIL kitty fur to fly everywhere.

"MARY! NO! You'll DESTROY yourself!" Beast screamed as he ran into the room wearing only a speed-O.

"Ohhh... HOT stuff, COMING THROUGH!" Remy cooed as he stared at Beast's ass as he ran by.

Before Beast could stop her, Mary inhaled the EVIL kitty fur and *poofed* into thin air, letting the EVIL kitty drop to the ground.

"That was interesting."

"THE NAME IS GAMBIT! REMEMBER IT!" Remy shouted as he ran into the room (which he actually already in, but that's the magic of stories with no basis, isn't it?) and blasted a hole in the wall.

"Indubitably!" The EVIL kitty said.

"Uh-oh, here we go again!" The Simpsons shouted.

~FIN~

(If ya'll want, I'll write a side fic explaining what happened to Mary Sue)

(And if you're stupid, the EVIL kitty is the center of the next fic)

(And thanks to all the people who read this, it's all the little people who make a little difference!)

(By the way, I'm Natas and I'm a slashoholic!)

(On final thing. If you want to be in any of my stupid fics, drop me a note! Just tell me who you are, and one stupid little thing about you, and I'll put you in one.)

(TEE HEE, KAROTS!)


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